Surgery to be moved up to.....

January 15, 2009.

I had an incident the other night that required me to email the doctor. I was bathing my kids and when I went to put my youngest one in, something in my back cracked. Loud enough for my oldest daughter to hear. I was stuck in that position, and couldn't hardly walk. I made it to the living room with my phone to call my grandparents who then came to finish the bath and get them to bed for me. Thank God for wonderful grandparents. :]

I emailed my doctor and they told me something about it could have been facet joints popping that I heard and it should clear up in a couple of days. Of course, I was back at it the next morning because, umm, I had to be. Stuff has to get done. I just grin and bear it.

Anywho...I have been scouring the internet to read stories of other people who have had the surgery. I've come across some really heartwarming blogs and stories, thank God :]

But I am still terrified.I was talking to my friend today about it, and I was telling her that I know I am gonna hurt after the surgery, I know its not going to be easy, but I think I can handle it. For instance, NOW, I hurt more than I could ever explain to anyone. So I think I have a HIGH pain tolerance. Which I know that the surgery is gonna be hell afterwards, so I am ready to face it head on.

I remember every since I've had this stupid disease, that I was always uncomfortable. Especially if I did too much in a day. It wasn't until I had kids that I started going downhill.

I had my first baby June 2002. And even after that I noticed the "discomfort" was increasing. But it kept getting worse. In July 2005, I resorted to taking pain pills. I did not want to take pain pills, and there is like this stigma that you get, if you tell people you take pain pills. Even to this day, I am ashamed to go to the pharmacy to pick up my pills...Norco and Zanaflex, because I feel they are looking at me, wondering why *I* have to take pain pills and muscle relaxers. The reason I feel that they look at me is because I used to work in the pharmacy as a technician. Granted it was only for one month while I filled in for my cousin (no pun intended :]) while he recovered from a broken arm. But I saw people EVERYDAY, numerous amounts of people coming in getting their scripts filled for pain pills. Many people, I couldn't even tell what was wrong with them, and wondered why they were taking all this medication. We went through more pain pills than any other medicine it seemed.

I had my second baby in December of '06, and things just kept getting worse. It was really towards the end of that pregnancy when the pain actually would stop me in my tracks and I couldn't do anything but stand there or sit there, wondering why I was hurting so bad. Many nights I went to bed in tears, and that takes a lot for me. I have to be in just awful, crappy shape, (and thats just under-exagerrating the pain, as it is much, much worse) for me to start to cry.

So now I am one of those people. To look at me, you'd see a 27 year old, normal-looking, chubby mom of two baby girls. But on the inside...everyday...I feel like I am falling apart. And I know strangers who see me taking pain pills might judge me, but I can't do anything about that. You can't see anything wrong with me unless you know what to look for. I can spot someone with scoliosis right off, only because I recognize the symptoms.

Anyways, so here I am, wondering still if I should go through with the surgery. But the answer is, yes, I have to do this. I keep seeing x-rays of people who had severe scoliosis like me, having their backs straightened!!! How can I not at least try? I've read that the most common fear of having the surgery is paralysis, or neurological problems, since they will be messing with my spinal column and cord and stuff.

But then I also imagine the rest of my life, with the pain level I am at now, usually averaging at about a 7 or 8 by the time a normal day is over, and I am only 27...I imagine what it would be like in my 40s and 50s, if I DON'T have the surgery. How terribly bad off I will be. So for now I am still wondering if I am doing the right thing.My next appointment to the doctor is October 17, 2008, and I am gonna express my fears to my doctor. This time I will actually be seeing Dr. Shelokov, the one who will be performing my surgery. Last time, I saw the physicians assistant, Eric, who was awesome by the way. Eric showed me x-rays of a woman who had similar curves to mine, and they totally straightened hers. Totally awesome. It brought tears to my eyes seeing that, imagining that it could be me someday. So when I see Dr. Shelokov, I am going to tell him what all I am afraid of. Hopefully he will calm my fears just a tad.

Anyways, its time for me to take my drugs and lay down for the night.

Adios!