Depression

I don't have anything specific to write about, no special witty comments or anything.

I haven't written because I fell into a deep depression. Yes, I suffer from clinical depression. I have to take medicine for it, or else it gets really bad. I have been going to these doctors who are just general MDs and they wouldn't take me or my symptoms seriously, so I started seeing an actual therapist.

The medicine I am currently taking just doesn't seem to be working like it used to, and so the doctor gave me another antidepressant to take along with it, and so far so good. I hate being reliant on medicine, but such is life.

Clinical depression runs in my family. Its not the same as just feeling blue for a day or two. This last bout, I had gotten to where I didn't want to see anyone, go anywhere, do anything. I wasn't suicidal, but I would go to bed wishing I just wouldn't wake up the next morning. I hate feeling that way. And you can't just "snap out of it", like some people like to say when they hear someone is depressed.

I, and millions of others, need medication for the actual chemical imbalance in our brains. Depression is a silent disease and needs treated just like a diabetic needs insulin.

Today was ok though..

Here is the church, here is the steeple...

I have been doing so good about getting up on time and having fairly productive days (as much as a stay at home mom can have) but I get hit everyday around 4PM with pure sleepiness. But I can't take a nap because:
1.) My schedule would be thrown off and,
B.) The little people insist I take care of their every needs.
Anyways, today I have been going since 6:30 and around 6:00 PM, I was sitting here paying bills online and balancing my non-existent money, and I knew church was about to start in an hour, but the girls had already changed clothes and their hair was falling out of their ponytails and I was like, "Ugh - do NOT feel like messing with them", but at 6:30, I told them to get ready because we were gonna go to church!
I have so many times on Sundays and Wednesdays where I do not feel like going to church. Who doesn't want to sleep in on Sunday mornings? But 9 times out of 10, when I go, I am so happy I went.
Today was one of those days...
One of my favorite things - and proof that Jesus still works in everyday life today - is when I will be in a crabby patty mood on a Sunday morning, not wanting to go to church, but then I go and my mood just lifts and I am happy and just glad I went to church. I love that.
Well, a new class was started for young adults at our church. I was apprehensive about going. I have never really fit in at church. As a child, I was too quiet. As a teen, I was not cool enough. As an adult, life kept getting in the way and I didn't always go to church like I should, so therefore I wasn't plugged in or contributing to the church at all. UGH! I really like this class though, and I like what it represents, and getting to know the people in there has been fun too.
This might actually work!
Matt and Kylie New came up with this awesome idea and I hope to see it take off and make an impact on so many people. I admire people who come up with things like this. I am more of a follower, not a leader. So yeah...
I've already been inviting people to come with me :) This means you too, whoever is reading this, if you live here in my area ;)
God is good, all the time, and I am so thankful for being His child.
Ok well I am going to bed now, haha!

I just realized...

That the post I just made, is similar to the one I made in March - haha...That's what happens when you don't keep up with stuff! So yeah, sorry about the repeat info :))

I am so bad...

Yes I am still here and I re-read a lot of my posts from time to time, but I haven't posted like I should.

So many things have gone on since the surgery and WOW! I'd like to think that I am a much stronger person than I've ever been, but I would like to erase a lot of the last few years and have a DO-OVER!! But that doesn't happen in life so yeah...

I am just gonna put it all out there. My husband and I seperated, twice, in 2010. What a tremendously difficult time for me, my girls and Gary. I feel a lot of guilt over how crappy things got and what things were said and done. We reconciled and separating is not an option, ever agan. We are in a better place now, and stronger than ever.

I held so much resentment inside because of so many things that weren't even Gary's fault. My crooked spine, my chronic pain, my hearing loss, my low self esteem. I hated feeling like a freak, looking like one, crying because of the pain, and on and on. So my expectations of Gary were WAY high. I know that now, looking back. Granted, and he will admit, that he did a lot of wrong too. But we were never in sync with each other. Now I am happy to say that we are finally on the same page whereas before, we weren't even in the same book!

I went for my 2 year check up in March. Had a fun little trip to Plano, just Gary and I. My check-up went great, the fusion has totally healed, I am still properly screwed ;)I go back in 2012 (which is right around the corner now!) for my three year check-up. So all is well!

As for pain, well, I still have it. I knew going in that I was NOT going to be pain free after the surgery, ever. So I am not like surprised at all. I just write about it in case someone else feels the pain too! The pain I feel now is in my lower back, the discs that weren't fused. But luckily, this pain is MUCH more manageable. I can take regular OTC ibuprofen, rest a little, and I am good. I do have to be careful and not overdo things. Because that does make my back hurt, and at night when I am laying in bed, my entire spine just throbs. With each throbbing pulsing feeling, its like my back is saying, "Shouldn't have done this, that and the other!" Haha..So yeah. I still say today, that if I had to do it over again, I would. That's how happy I am that I did it.

Another positive point is that since I can't bend my spine, I can't paint my toenails, therefore, I have the perfect excuse to get my toes done at a nail salon! :)

I am about to start working again at Mothers Day Out with some incredible ladies and awesome kiddos! I am so excited about that.

Hmm..what else? Oh yes. We added to the family. A four legged baby we named Molly. We adopted her from the SPCA. She had been rescued from an animal hoarder, who had 20 other dogs in a little abandoned trailer. She is a blonde haired, Poodle/Cocker Spaniel mix...don't know what Gary was thinking getting another blonde haired girl ;) Anyways, we love her and she is a very good dog!
Life is going good because God is always good <3

I'm still alive and kickin'!

Its been nearly a year and a half since I have updated my blog! I feel so bad about that!
There have been so many changes that have happened in my life, some good, some not so good, but the good news is: I AM SO HAPPY WITH MY LIFE AS OF NOW!
My husband and I endured two separations during the last two years. Those were awful, emotionally trying times...but we made it through, and are stronger than ever.
My girls are growing like a weed. Kaci is going to be NINE in June, and Miss Lanie just turned 4 in December.
I just went to my two year post-op check-up for my back surgery, and everything looks wonderful. My fusion has totally healed and everything is as it should be! That is great news for me :]
Its getting to get warmer outside and that means that I get to wear tank tops and cute shirts that show my scar off!
My daughters love for Justin Bieber has rubbed off on me and I catch myself listening to him even when she isn't with me hahahaha :] I also recently got a new tattoo on my foot. Its of flowers. April, September and Decembers flowers (representing our birthdays and our anniversary)...I got it on top of my foot and oh my goodness! It hurt WAYYY bad! But I am soooo happy that I did it!
No more tattooes after that fiasco lol.
Gary is working as a driller still, but his rig is close to the house so that he can be home more often. That was a lot of our issues, him being gone all the time.
My back pain is still pretty minimal if you compare it to my pre-surgery days. I have good days and bad days, mostly good days. The bad days are just results of me over-exerting myself on house chores or something.
Anyways, I am gonna sign off now...gonna try to keep this blog up from now on...