I found my new best friend....

And ohhhhhh how I wish I had found her sooner!!!

Ok, so I am a dork, but I had a revelation last night, and it kinda makes me sad that I didn't think of it all these years.

I decided maybe a heating pad might help take some of the tension off my back. So last night, before I went to bed, I got it out of my dresser. I turned it on medium and let it get warmed up while I took my make-up off, my contacts out, and all that getting ready for bed stuff. I then got my book and laid down on it, and I am not even lying or exagerrating. It was as if that thing literally melted about 95% of the pain away. I could not believe it!!! I started out on the lower back, since that is where the most tension and tightness is. I let it set for 15 minutes. Then I moved it the my midddle back for 15 minutes. Then up to my upper back, where the pain never goes away, and it just felt like HEAVEN.....Seriously!!!! Then I got up to check on the girls, and I was able to sit right up in bed and get up, which is not usual for me at nighttime or first thing in the morning, or anytime that I am lying down as a matter of fact.

So while I was up, I had to call Nana and tell her the great news [[LoL]] She started to cry. She said, "I have been praying that the Lord would help you find some sort of relief until your surgery." Awwwwwwww - Nana. You gotta love her. =] I am so glad they are in my life.

Of course, the heavenly-melting-away-the-pain was just temporary, for when I started to lay down and read again, the pain started to creep up again. So I just turned the heating pad back on. I also laid on my right side [which is painful] on top of the pad, and that helped too.

I am thinking of having the heating pad sewn into a shirt, so that I can wear it all day, everyday. Hahahahahahaha - I kid, I kid! But seriously, I am gonna take it into the living room, and when I am up doing my stuff, if I start to hurt, I will take a minute to sit down and relax. Who cares if it takes me all day to wash a sink full of dishes??? LoL

I am kind of easing up on being so obsessed with keeping the house clean. I only do things in small intervals now, and its never really spotless like I would like it to be, like I have killed myself in the past to keep it. I just pick up things here and there, sit on the couch a lot, do a load of dishes, sit on the couch, wash a load of clothes, sit on the couch...needless to say, it DOES take all day for me to get anything done, and I am still in excruciating pain at the end of the night, but I thank God that I found a small and inexpensive remedy for that. My trusted heating pad =] I think I am gonna name her. Hmmm?? Any suggestions?? LoL...

When I was telling Gary, excitedly, how wonderful it felt, he asked if I wanted him to duct tape it to me....LoL....now THERE is an image. He offered to go to the store to get my some of those Icy Hot patches, to see if those help at all, and I could wear them while I am up and moving around.

Anywho, I am going to get started for the day, got a little laundry to do and stuff...I might write later...

Ta-ta!!

It's one of those days today....

Where you just want to lay in bed and just chillax all day.

How come babies don't like to chillax? They would much rather be rambunctious and into everything under the sun, than to sit and chill on the bed and watch TV all day. So I thought I would write a little bit in my blog while she is swinging from the curtains =]

I have to say that things between Gary and I are going really well. Probably the best in years. He has been helping me with the girls, and doing things I ask of him without him staring at me like I just landed from outer space. I love him and all, but things had to change and I told him that. We've been trying really hard to be respectful towards each other. I don't know what is going to happen after surgery, but I pray that I am strong enough to deal with whatever crosses my path.

I am working on building my self esteem too. I know I am pretty now, but I am gonna be smokin' after I recover and have a NORMAL figure going!! It's like I was telling a friend of mine, for so long, I haven't had a backbone when it comes to things like my marriage and stuff, because my backbone was messed up!

This surgery and all the thoughts that go with it, the things that have crossed my mind, seriously have given me like a surge of courage to deal with stuff that I didn't think I could before. This is going to totally, 100%, change my life, and I am so excited. The more I talk to my scoli friends, the more I research the pros and cons of surgery, the better and more confident I feel.

I recently joined a scoliosis forum...people who are dealing with scoliosis themselves. Some have had the surgery, some are waiting for it. Some are trying non-surgical procedures. Anyways, I have already met some great people there. Suzy, who has basically taken me under her wing, she has been GREAT. 100% honest and forthcoming with me...even when she was afraid she might upset me, she still told me how she felt about certain things that I have told her. I appreciate that honesty, and I am glad to have met her. I also have started talking to Tricia, who lives in Odessa like me, and has had scoliosis surgery by Dr. Shelokov as well!! She has an awesome blog too here on Blogger.

Everday I still wonder if I should go through with this, and everyday that little bit of doubt is going away. By the people I talk to, the info I find, everything. I feel at peace with what I am about to do in a few months.

Anyways, I gotta go make something to eat for my kiddos! =]

Deuces!

I'm so vain.....

Well, yesterday I decided to go to the doctor anyways, just to see what he says and to see if maybe he could give me something stronger to have on hand, in case I take a turn for the worse all of a sudden.

He freakin prescribes STEROIDS. Umm, I am NOT taking steroids. Steroids causes water retention, makes your appetite soar, makes you menopausal...the whole nine. Uh, no thanks. I do not want to get all puffy and bitchy...I have enough problems with my PMSing and all that, I am not gonna add to it. I recently have lost weight and I don't want to gain it back. So as Carly Simon says, "You're so vain..." And not to mention, after doing research, and talking to my granddad who also was given steroids for his shoulder problem flaring up and said it didn't work, I decided it was not for me. So I am not even gonna get it filled, and just tell him it didn't work.

He said that he really doesn't want me on anything stronger, because when they "filet" my back open [[his words, not mine]] that I am gonna need all the pain management that I can get, and if I am already taking something strong, then where does that leave me. So I guess that I am just going to stay on my Norco and evenly distribute it throughout the day so as to not get too bad as far as pain goes.

I've found that I am getting to read a lot more here lately. Used to, I would get ready for bed, take my meds, then lay down and start to read. Well, 30 minutes later, I was knocked out because of my meds. And I absolutely hate that, because I LOVE to read, and its taking me FOREVER to finish a book this way. So this is what I have been doing...I get ready for bed, and I only take the Norco, and then lay down and read, usually for a couple hours. Then after I read for a while, then I take the Zanaflex, then I fall to sleep. This usually means I am a little sleepy the next day. But I get up, take Kaci to school, give Lanie her breakfast, do a little around the house, and then Lunch for Lanie. While she is eating lunch, I take a pain pill, and then by the time she is done eating, and I lay her down, I am relaxed enough to lay down and take a little nap. Lanie usually sleeps for at least an hour, sometimes two. And its just enough to boost my energy up, and also to give my back a break.

So I guess one of the things I needed in my pain management regimen was a schedule!

The other night, Gary had just came right out and asked me if I was addicted to the pain pills. While I understand his concern, it was still hard to hear that. No one wants to make people think they are addicted to drugs. So I got my feathers ruffled and had to defend myself. I told him that if I was addicted to them, then:

1.) I would be seeing multiple doctors to get multiple prescriptions, to take to multiple pharmacies to get my fix.

2.) I would run out of pills by the time it came to refill the next month. I would be wanting to buy them off the street, sometimes paying $5-$10 PER PILL. I explained to Gary that I get prescribed 6 per day, and that I hardly ever take all 6. Which means that I have pills left over every month. If I was addicted, I would run out like within the first one or two weeks.

3.) I would have withdrawals, getting the shakes and stuff, if I didn't take a pill by a certain time.

So anyways, the next morning, I was talking to my friend, and she told me that maybe he was just concerned, and worded it wrong...And the more I thought about it, she was right. Surely he didn't think I was a druggie, you know? I mean, if he did, why would he leave his, OUR, kids with me. I also explained to him about the embarassment that comes with picking up the pills each month. I DON'T want to take pain pills, and thats part of the reason I decided to have the surgery so I could get by in life, happy taking Motrin or Tylenol like every one else does for pain...not narcotics.

So then he said, "Well, then why don't we sell them??" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...No. I said I do NOT want to go to prison for selling freakin pain pills. He's such a dork..but he was kidding, I know that. =]

While I was in Midland for my appointment, I decided to go to Barnes & Noble to look around. That store relaxes me like no other...the smell, the atmosphere, the books, everything... I could spend all day in that store. And this may sound silly, but after I recover from surgery, and can hold down a little job, I would love to work there. And imagine the discount I would get =] =] I bought Lanie a little Touch and Feel Picture Book. She is in this "What's That??" stage. So I thought a book where she could point and ask me "What's That??" would be good. Then I bought some little chapter books for Kaci. They are story books that have actual chapters in them, not picture books. I want to instill the love for reading in her, so I am trying to encourage that by reading to her.

There are some nights that she has asked me to read to her, and I just don't. I don't feel good and want to go lie down. Then I lay there feeling guilty, but then I don't remember my mom ever reading to me, and I don't know how I felt about that, if I was upset about it...Anyways, I decided to start reading at least one chapter per night, and we started last night. I laid on her bed, and read a chapter, we talked about it, and she LOVED it. Especially since the book is about a little girl starting first grade, and there is a whole series. And of course, I bought me two books to add to my neverending collection. =] Oh well...I am going through books a lot faster and will catch up eventually. Like in the last 10 days, I have finished two books...and I was so happy about that.

She is doing well in school so far. She likes her teacher. Last year, her Kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Smith, had to miss some work when her husband was diagnosed with cancer, and later when she went with him to do treatments. Well, Mrs. Santos (the first grade teacher) took over both classes, and so Kaci already knew her first grade teacher, and vice versa. They start homework next week, and I hope that goes over well. She gets bored easily, so sometimes its a struggle to get her to do her work. I still can't believe my baby is a first grader. I remember being in the first grade! And that seems like ages ago...hahaha. And then Lanie starts school on the 3rd...and I hope she does ok too. Gary says, "Yeah, but she is so mean!" and I said the only time she is mean is when Kaci or someone picks on her, and her claws come out lol. Thats the difference in Kaci and Lanie...Kaci will just stand there and be picked on, Lanie fights! lol

Ok, I guess I have said enough for this morning. Gary is coming home later today and I want to get the house situated for him to come and mess it up again. Hahaha.

Adios!

Thank Goodness!!!!!

Well, thankfully today I am feeling much better. Still a little sore, but I really do think that I pulled a muscle on Saturday when I did all this housework. So I really, really need to learn not to do so much in one day. And the members of this household will just have to deal if the house isn't up to par like they would like it to be, or are used to it being...

So anyways, I have decided not to go to the pain management doctor. I really don't want to be put on anything stronger if I can help it. So I am just going to hang around the house today and try to get a little stuff done and caught up.

Til later....

Got a call from the doctor....

So I was talking about them changing my pain meds. I emailed Shaun, twice, and he called me back at the end of the day. He told me just to talk to my pain management doctor about how I am feeling and let him decide what he thinks is best. To explain to him that I just want to have something to comfort me until my surgery...that is less than 5 months away.

He mentioned maybe doing pain injections. I do NOT want to go that route. I don't think I could give myself shots, and I know for sure that Gary can't give them to me. So I am going to ask about either putting me on something stronger or adding pain patches. It is mainly at night when I am at my very worst. Maybe if I could stay on my regular meds, and then have a really strong pain pill at bedtime, that would help. I don't know.

So anyways, that is where we are now. I have still been trying to limit my physical stuff. Today I sat on the couch mostly. I have been intending to go to the store but since I can hardly walk, I damn sure can't carry everything in. So lucky Gary will get to help when he gets home. =] But I had to go today to get some small stuff to carry us over until he gets here. And even that was horrible. I walked all slow in the store, and then came home and unloaded the little bit that I bought. And by the time I got all settled down, I couldn't hardly breathe, and I was hurting so bad.

I was telling Gary that I really can't wait to read this blog after I have my surgery and have recovered...to see what all I dealt with and how I made it through. Thats why I am trying to write a little each day or at least every other day. And I don't care if anyone else ever reads this blog, which I would be happy if they do, but I am mainly doing this as a way to document this journey, the before and the after....for me to be like "DAMN! I made it through THAT???"

Well, its off to bed now...I will write about what the doctor says tomorrow..
Adios!

Couch = Good

I am still stuck on the couch for the time being. Only getting up to do little things. Lanie is being unbelieveably good. She just stays in the living room and is letting me relax.

I called my pain management doctor to tell them that I have obviously taken a turn for the worse and my pain meds aren't cutting it anymore. Last night I was so desperate to get the pain to stop that I took 3 of my pain pills at one time!! And it did help, so that only tells me I need something stronger. I don't believe I am addicted, per say, but accustomed to the strength that I am on now. But I haven't ever taken anything stronger than Norco. And I am afraid to, because how will I manage pain after the surgery if I am accustomed to taking the strong stuff already. I also emailed Dr. S (well, I emailed Shaun, the P.A. there) and told him what was going on and what he thought about pain management until surgery. So I am sitting here waiting on the phone to ring, and the email icon to pop up on my screen =]

I did get up on time and got Kaci off to school on time. I am so happy. I have been needing to go to the store for a while now, but keep putting it off because I can hardly walk, let alone carry everything in. So I told Gary I was waiting for him. But I definitely have to go to the store today after school to get a couple of things. But until then, I am just going to hang out on the couch and wait for my doctors to call me. I will probably write more later on tonight...

Adios for now!!

The pictures below...

First, I must say to excuse my chubbiness =]

Second, I think it was good that I saw these, as it will only encourage the surgery and the after effects that come with it.

Thirdly, today was really bad, and I am in a lot of pain. The last 2 days have been the worst ever. I honestly don't remember hurting this bad...I've been walking with a limp, and tilted to the left. Walking that way has caused a new pain to surface, because I am not used to walking like this. This. Really. Sucks.

I have joined a scoliosis forum and have met some great people on there so far. I hope that they can help calm and support me in the next several months.

I would write more, but I am totally ready to lay down now, and just take it easy...

Adios.

BEFORE PICS =[

Ok, so I have never, ever seen bare pictures of my back. I decided to take some tonight and needless to say, I am really sad. I didn't realize how gross I look. =[

I've put the x-rays first...and then the bare skinned pictures.













My Rib Hump (Since my rib cage is totally twisted!)





I can't wait to get some AFTER pics.

Pain...Pain...Go Away...

Today has been HORRID for me. I did way too much yesterday...mopping and vacuuming and laundry and stuff, and I am definitely feeling it today. Today I had to get stuff ready for school to start...labeling the school supplies, getting the last of the clothes washed and put up, cooking supper and getting the girls a bath.

All day long, I have been just in a gloomy mood, and I am not sure why...like I said yesterday, I did get my monthly visitor, so I guess that is playing a part in things. All day I have been walking around here like an old woman...only taking baby steps, and moving slowly. When I bent over, I did it with caution...when I sat down, I was having to really push myself up, even crying out in pain once or twice. This really sucks! I am 27! Not 87!

Everytime I put weight on my right foot, something is catching on my right side, in my lower back. I can't even take a deep breath right now, everything in my torso is hurting, on my backside. To the point that my entire back is throbbing. I can actually hear it pounding in my head....I have about 4 months left until surgery, and then an even bigger uphill battle for me...recovering from surgery. What I would give to just go to sleep and then wake up, free of pain...There have been nights when I cry to God, to please, just take His hands and straighten my spine, even just a little....just a little relief would be appreciated. I can sometimes even visualize His hands on either side of my spine, gently pushing it back into place. I guess I won't feel that until January 15th.

Although the surgeons will have their tools inside my back to straighten it, they will be led by God's hands.

People keep telling me that I am so strong, that I am a strong woman for facing and dealing with this on top of raising two kids and taking care of a husband...then why do I feel so weak and powerless. So afraid. Strong is the furthest emotion in my mind, and I don't think I will ever see myself as strong. I do hold my head up, and I get through the day, and get my stuff done, but I don't think that makes me strong. That just makes me someone who gets stuff accomplished. I do the same things as any other mother out there...pain or not. The 'or not' is never there though. The pain always is.

So here I sit, its 9:30 PM and the girls have been fed and bathed and all the laundry is done. I got Kaci's backpack ready for tomorrow, and all I like is actually putting them in bed and making her lunch. I can't sit here much longer and type, it is just literally killing me. I called Nana and cried on her shoulder about it...I am just so tired of hurting all the time. I have bad days, and then I have really, really bad days. Never any good days. Never. She got teary eyed and wishes that there was something she could do to help me.

So I am off for now, and I hope that tomorrow is just a bad day, and not a really, really bad day.

adios

Busy Saturday

Gary, the girls, and I, are just hanging around the house today. This has been a pretty busy week for me and I am definitely feeling it.

Since none of the school clothes we bought in San Marcos fit, and thankfully we only bought 3 outfits, I had to go buy Kaci some more school clothes. Gary stayed at home with Lanie, thank goodness, because I had to make her try on all the clothes...and I also bought Lanie her school clothes. Thats right, my baby is starting Mothers Day Out on September 3rd. But Mother really needs it!!

Yesterday we went to exchange some of the clothes, and then we had to go get shoes. Lanie's foot is extra fat, so we have to take her to the fat foot store to get her shoes...so we got her some little Nike Shox and a pair of white Keds to wear. Then we went to Cavendars and bought Kaci some Fat Baby's. She had been begging for some boots to wear. But all the boots she picks out are like a big no-no to me. They are either those wool Ugg looking boots, or they are streetwalker looking boots. So I told her if she wanted boots bad enough, she was going to wear REAL boots. They look so cute on her and she is happy...

Tomorrow, Gary goes back to the rig for 4 days, and so I am getting his rig clothes washed, and then I gotta wash all these school clothes and get them put away. I am working on getting the house in shape too in between washes. I also told Kaci that we would clean her nasty room today. I am regretting telling her that, because ummm, I am already hurting pretty bad, and its only 2PM. Plus, my monthly visitor came to see me this morning, will be staying for a few days, and she brought some really NICE cramps with her. I hate her!!!! :]

Last night before I took a shower, I was looking at my back in the mirror. Like examining my crooked shoulders, my uneven hips, all that fun stuff. On my back, in the middle, I can see the curve...the snake like features that I carry with me everywhere. When I go anywhere, if I see a woman wearing a shirt that exposes her back and stuff, I can't help but take a look. To wonder what it must be like to have that going for you, a beautifully straight, flat, back...when I see someone bend over, I always look at their back to see the missing hump. It never ends...

There have been a couple of occasions that I notice someone has scoliosis too. And I wish I could just walk up to them and hug them...but yeah, they might not appreciate that...hahahaha :]

144 days left....I am so ready.

150 Days until surgery

I just happen to know that because I have a little countdown thing on my Myspace profile...haha!

Anyways, yesterday I didn't do much of anything...still trying to recuperate after getting back into town. Also, it rained ALL. DAY. LONG! That is very rare for Odessa. So it would have been an awesome day to just stay in bed...but obviously kids don't see cloudy days that way! :] My friend, Ashley, was supposed to come by, but the rain was so bad that they were afraid of being flooded in. So they didn't come by. But sadly, right after she called to tell me she wasn't coming, about an hour later, the rain stopped...lol. When the rain stopped, the girls and I went to HEB, I didn't have any bread and very little milk, so I had to go.

I decided that I should get back on my anti-depressant, because I do feel better about things when I take them. I take Wellbutrin, and that is the best anti-depressant I have been on. The only side effect that I don't particularly care for is that it makes me irritable, and that is the last thing I need. But I am gonna try and work on that. I figured the closer I get to surgery, I am gonna have spells of depression and/or outright fear and this may help. I also started taking a womens multi-vitamin too. Only thing that sucks is that I feel like I am taking 1,435 pills a day now! Oh well......

Today, I am feeling lazy. It's Sunday, nothing is on TV. I am sitting on the couch, playing on my laptop and listening to my iPod, while the girls are playing and watching the Disney channel. Later on, around 2:30, my Nana, my girls and I are gonna go eat lunch together at a Chinese buffet in Midland. But, I am kinda craving Mexican food...some yummy cheese enchilada's and chips and salsa....yeah that sounds awesome...so we may end up at a Mexican restaurant, much to Nana's dismay, as she LOVES Chinese food. haha.

Tomorrow will be one week until school starts! I am really happy about that. I know some moms gush about how much they will miss their kids and all that...but, uh, not me. LoL. I mean., I do miss her, but its driving me crazy to have her here all day, and she is in this stage right now where she LOVES to pester her sister! Then Lanie comes crying to me, and this goes on ALL. DAY. LONG. Arrrgggghhhh!!! Lanie also starts school sometime in September, just two days a week. But I think it will do me good to have a break from the girls!!

Anyways, I am going to get off here and get ready to go eat lunch....

Adios!

Back home from vacation

So I didn't write yesterday...we did sooo much yesterday and when we finally got to the hotel room, I was so sore and tired that I didn't want to do anything but lay around like a slug.

Yesterday we drove to San Antonio...the first place we went was the San Antonio Zoo. We got there at around 9:45 so it wasn't THAT hot, and there was hardly anyone there. Then as time wore on, the sun broke through and it was making the humidity like really bad, with the sun beating down. So we hurried through that. Then we went to the Tower of America, went up 75 stories, looked around, then came back down. After that we went to find a parking spot so we could be close to all the stuff we wanted to do.

We park where it says Alamo Parking...ummm, yeah, we still had to walk like 5 blocks..in the heat..which for anyone would suck, but my back was already starting to hurt and everytime I inhaled, it was like someone was taking their fist and pounding it in the middle of my back. We walk past the Alamo and go to the Mirror Maze first. Kaci loved it...she had been to one at the carnival, but it was one of those rinky-dink ones...this one was awesome :] After that we went to the Louis Tusseaud's Wax Museum...I don't care how many times I go in one of these, I never get tired of the exhibits...they are just so cool and creepy to me! The one in Dallas is better than the one in San Antonio though. Kaci didn't much care for it though...go figure. Then we did some kind of 3D Tomb Rider thing where you ride in a cart and shoot things with laser guns. Kaci and Gary had to wear these Buddy Holly glasses and I just sitting there watching them, taking pictures :] Then we walked to the Buckhorn Museum and looked around in there, and after that we went to the Childrens Museum. I was so bored in there, I am not one of those moms who are dying to play with my kids and after a while, I get bored...so yeah, I guess that makes me a bad mom but who cares. :] By this time, we were starved and we wanted to take Kaci to the Rainforest Cafe. Ok, that place is neat and all, but its expensive as hell and I think the prices of their food is to cover their interior decorating bill...umm, their food isn't that great. We ordered Kaci the chicken nuggets and they come out, and they are the same Tyson brand nuggets that I made her at home. But yet they charged me $7.99 for her meal.

After we ate, we did the Riverwalk boat tour...and again, even though I have done that a hundred times, I still love it....but it was soooo hot, and you would think they could use some of that money and make some boats with better accomodations on the damn things. I mean, its ok when there aren't that many people on there, but yeah, when is that gonna happen? I HATE when I have to sit there with some guy sitting across from me, with his legs open and my knees are nestled in between. EWW. Talk about uncomfortable! Kaci fell asleep on the boatride though.

Then we left the downtown area (not even stopping at the Alamo, mind you, haha) and were about to die when we finally found the truck. UGH!! We trekked across town to a mall that had a Build-A-Bear Workshop in it and got the girls a bear. I hate that store too, and I won't say how much we shelled out for 2 stuffed animals and I didn't even buy any clothes for Lanie's bear, and Kaci's bear was a, you guessed it, was a Hannah Montana bear! Complete with an expensive stupid little outifit too.

As we are walking out the store, Gary gets a bright idea to go walk to our truck OUTSIDE, instead of having to deal with the crowds INSIDE. Uhhh, ok, yeah. Whatever Gary says, goes.
So yeah, it was the l-o-n-g way and thus further causing me to wish I could just drop dead right then and there. Finally we made it to the truck and had to get back to Austin, which is about 75 miles from San Antonio. I knew Kaci would fall asleep on the ride to the hotel, and then be full of energy when we got there, and Gary and I would be moving like zombies. Luckily though, she didn't and actually let us relax...We fell asleep by 10, which is EARLY for us.

This morning, we got up and just headed home. We made it home safely and are soooooo glad to be home. Vacation is fun and all, but like the old saying goes, "Theres no place like home!"

Laters!

Just a little sidenote...

I just want anyone and everyone out there who reads my blog to know that I love Gary so much and I am so glad he is mine...even through the bad times, we always pull through...and the good times are GREAT :]

I just felt the need to share this! :]

Vacation Day 2

Today was a little bit more active than yesterday!

We got up and left the hotel around 8:30 this morning, and headed to San Marcos to do some shopping. Along the way, we came across Cabela's...a HUGE outdoorsmen store. And I have to say, that although I am not an 'outdoorsmen', that store was awesome. They had stuffed animals all through the store, not the cute furry little teddy bears, I am talking stuffed Grizzly bears and Polar bears and Elk and Moose and all that stuff. They also had the usual gun bar, and then beside that, they had a gun library. Inside there was mainly collector item guns. There was a gun in there that cost $32,999!!! That is more than I paid for my car! I asked why it was so much, it was just a .410 shotgun, and the guy told me that it was over 100 years old and it was handcrafted in England. He explained that here in America, the Average Joe goes hunting all the time, but back in the old days in England, hunting was a thing that only the rich folk did. On the stock, there was artwork that was not stamped onto it, but carved into the silver. It was awesome, but $32,999??!!

We left there and then we went on to San Marcos. We stopped at Wonderworld, which has a dry formation cave that you can tour. Also, an observation tower, an anti-gravity house, and a train thing where you can go feed deer. It was awesome to be underground like that...I have been to the Carlsbad Caverns, but had forgotten what it was like to be in a cave. I like the Carlsbad Caverns better though, since its a wet formation cave. Anyways, Kaci thought it was neat to be underground like that. Then we went into the anti-gravity house and Kaci was scared at first because it totally threw her off being tilted at a 30 degree angle! :] After that, we rode the little train thing and fed the deer.

Then we left to go to the factory outlets to buy school clothes. Kaci wants to dress like Hannah Montana and can't understand why I won't buy the clothes do accomplish that task. Some of the things that Kaci picks out are, umm, hideous. And I have to tell her no, and she sulks, and I tell her its for her own good, that if you go to school dressed like a clown, then you get made fun of and I am just trying to spare her the heartache :]

I bought a new camera today too, which has some pretty cool features on there, if I can figure them out :] and its a slim design so its easier to carry around when you are using it...I can't wait to start putting it to use...tomorrow :]

Tomorrow, we are going to San Antonio to the Buckhorn Museum, the Childrens Museum, the Alamo, the San Antonio Zoo, and the Tower of America...so I am sure I will have LOTS to write about tomorrow. For now though, I am going to go rest!! I really need it after all we did today!! And tomorrow will really take a toll on me!

I'll be back tomorrow!!

Vacation Day 1

I am hoping to get an entire post typed out before I lose signal...believe it or not, I am in the middle of the state capital, a city of 656,000 people and I have signal as if I am out in the booneys or something. My cell phone is no better and when I called to check on Lanie, I kept dropping the call. Arrrgghhhhh!!!!

Anyways, we got out of town around 10:30 this morning, and headed south-east, and made it to Austin around 5:30. Of course, we stopped a couple times and then we got here right as 5 o'clock traffic was hitting and we got a little stuck. I took pictures of the traffic jam. How hick-fied is that?? Haha! I did relatively good as far as pain went. And I drove about haflway too. I got a little sore towards the end, even having taken one pain pill, and Gary took over driving in Brady.

Kaci griped the entire time...."When are we gonna be there? How many more miles? How many more minutes? How many more miliseconds?" LoL!! Yesterday, she griped all day, "Mom, I want to go on the trip NOWWWWWW!!!"...She doesn't comprehend that part of the fun of a vacation is GETTING THERE. :]

We get to our hotel, and can I just say for the record that GPS systems are one of the best creations out there...I mean, they just tell you where to go and totally takes the stress out of travelling! Anyways, so we check in, our room is nice, and we are sitting around. Kaci wants to swim but its cloudy outside. But she finally asked if we could go look at the pool. So we go look and its sunny enough that she can swim, so I let her change into her swimsuit. I was watching her swim and then Gary comes out with his swimsuit on and starts to swim. Gary hasn't been swimming in YEARS! So then I decided I would swim too, and it was the most fun I have had in a long time. Being in the water, I had no pressure points and I was totally pain free, which felt awesome. We swam for almost 3 hours!

Now we are back in our hotel room and we just ordered pizza. Also, I took a shower and I am sooooo wishing that Odessa had GOOD water like here! I actually feel clean after showering! I am sure we will sleep really good tonight, I only had 4 hours of sleep last night, then driving, and then swimming, I am beat!

Tomorrow, we are going to downtown Austin to look at historic sites and then driving to San Marcos to go shopping!!! :]

I'll post more tomorrow!!

Can't think of an appropriate title :]

Anyways, I have so much to do, but here I sit writing another blog. I am gonna try and post at least once a day from here on out, even if there isn't that much going on at the moment.

And although this blog is documenting things about scoliosis, its not always gonna be strictly about scoliosis. But, since my entire life is revolving around my crooked spine, I guess anything I write will be ok :]

We are leaving to go on a little vacation tomorrow. We aren't sure what all we are gonna do, but we are going to be staying in hotel in Austin. Gary and I have never been to Austin since we have been together. I guess you can say we are trying to visit all the hot spots in Texas :] But our main objective was to go to the huge outlet store in San Marcos, Texas, namely to buy school clothes for Kaci and whatever else we see that we think we need :] And so why not make a little vacay out of it? So we will mess around in San Antonio and Austin and shop in San Marcos. I am really excited about going, as its always good to get away for a while. Also another positive note is that Lanie will be staying with Nana and Bigdad while we are gone. I love Lanie to death, but, umm, dragging her from store to store, in the heat, in the crowds, will put a bit of a damper on the whole thing.

So its just gonna be us three (like old times, Kaci says lol) and we will be back on Friday evening. I am gonna have to make sure I have my pain pills with me as we are walking and take them on a steady basis, because all the walking we will be doing is definitely going to take its toll on me, and I will probably have to take a hot bath every night to loosen up the muscles a little. I am allowed to take 6 Norco's a day, but I usually only take 2 or 3. But I know I will have to take more as we are venturing all over the Capital of Texas :]

Well, I really must get off of here and get to packing! It's 5:30 PM and nothing is in a suitcase!! We leave at 11 AM tomorrow!!!

I will try and write once we get settled into the hotel room!

Adios!

It's not just me....

....that this affects.

I need to learn to be careful when I am looking things up on the internet about this surgery.

Everyone knows that children do not like to see their Mom crying. I've come across many stories and blogs, and then I discovered that YouTube even has videos that scoliosis surgery patients have made. And I was sitting there, in tears, engrossed in these videos. And my six year old daughter just started to cry, "Mama, I don't want you to go..."

She was sitting right beside me and saw some of the images of the patients, their before and after pictures, pictures of them in the hospital, things of that nature. I didn't think she was paying attention. But now I have scared her, and I didn't even mean to. I can't explain to her how Mama needs this surgery to have a better life. All she can think about is the fact that I will be going to a hospital and her life will be quite interrupted during all of this.

So from now on, when I am researching things on the internet, I will make sure my daughter doesn't see me get all emotional...because all though this is gonna be a GREAT thing for me, it scares her now, and I don't want to do that.

Body Fuel

I was lying in bed last night, thinking about the surgery and all that, and after I had read another blog, something kind of clicked that may help me to explain things better to other people.

Of course, I won't ever be able to explain the amount of pain that I deal with on a daily basis, but maybe I can explain what kind of toll it takes on my body and my psyche.

In the mornings, when I wake up...I feel stiff and sore, and I push myself out of bed each morning with both arms, and sit up on the side of the bed and wait to catch my balance. I cannot just pop out of bed like a Poptart and start the day. So I get up, and start to move around. As I am moving around, its like the old machine gets a little oiled up, and I can move a little better...and the body fuel guage is full.

As the day wears on, the body fuel starts to deplete. At a pretty fast rate too. Depending on how much I do during a day, but still, even if I try and take things easy, depletion is inevitable. Pain is there all day. Towards the end of the day though, I am starting to run on empty, and the pain is getting worse. And then, all of a sudden, its as if my fuel tank is completely dry and I am in excruciating pain. Usually this happens around a couple of hours before bedtime, and those last couple of hours that I have before bed, I have to just take it easy. But of course, my kids need to be tucked in and things like that. So I get them to bed, and I finally get to lay down.

I take my medicine, and when I first lay down, I have to lay there and just kind of take deep breaths for a few minutes. My entire back is throbbing. I have the right side of my back, in between my ribcage and my hipbone, that feels as if there is a knife there, and its being twisted, slowly. Then I get my book and start to read. (Reading, to me, is almost as good as any drug ) Lying on my right side starts to hurt, so I lay on my back. I can only lay on my back for a few minutes before it starts to hurt. So then I turn over to get on my left side. When I lay on my left side, my hipbone touches the bottom of my ribcage. Weird, but, every single time I lay in that position and I can feel the hipbone touching the ribcage, I think to myself, "What if I get stuck like this, with my hipbone and ribcage touching, and I can't walk?" Pretty freaky. So far nothing like that has happened.

Finally, I roll back over to my right side, because by then, my pain medication is starting to set in and lying on my right side isn't that bad anymore. So I read, and then the meds hit full force and I am knocked out.

What's sad is that I absolutely love to read, and I could read for hours if I had the chance. But because I have to take medicine to control the pain, I can't read like I want to. Scoliosis interferes with everything in my life.

All night long, I continue the pattern of adjusting positions. I cannot sleep on my back though, so that position is replaced with sleeping on my stomach. If I sleep on my stomach for too long, when I go to move, my lower back pain shoots through my entire body and I can't hardly get myself back to my side. Some nights, I sleep mostly on my right side, and when I wake up the next morning, I want to cry from the pain.

But I get up anyways, and my young, but OLD FEELING machine, gets a little oiled up and I can move a little...and the fuel system fills up again, only to start depleting at a very fast rate.

I can't wait until this is over.

Surgery to be moved up to.....

January 15, 2009.

I had an incident the other night that required me to email the doctor. I was bathing my kids and when I went to put my youngest one in, something in my back cracked. Loud enough for my oldest daughter to hear. I was stuck in that position, and couldn't hardly walk. I made it to the living room with my phone to call my grandparents who then came to finish the bath and get them to bed for me. Thank God for wonderful grandparents. :]

I emailed my doctor and they told me something about it could have been facet joints popping that I heard and it should clear up in a couple of days. Of course, I was back at it the next morning because, umm, I had to be. Stuff has to get done. I just grin and bear it.

Anywho...I have been scouring the internet to read stories of other people who have had the surgery. I've come across some really heartwarming blogs and stories, thank God :]

But I am still terrified.I was talking to my friend today about it, and I was telling her that I know I am gonna hurt after the surgery, I know its not going to be easy, but I think I can handle it. For instance, NOW, I hurt more than I could ever explain to anyone. So I think I have a HIGH pain tolerance. Which I know that the surgery is gonna be hell afterwards, so I am ready to face it head on.

I remember every since I've had this stupid disease, that I was always uncomfortable. Especially if I did too much in a day. It wasn't until I had kids that I started going downhill.

I had my first baby June 2002. And even after that I noticed the "discomfort" was increasing. But it kept getting worse. In July 2005, I resorted to taking pain pills. I did not want to take pain pills, and there is like this stigma that you get, if you tell people you take pain pills. Even to this day, I am ashamed to go to the pharmacy to pick up my pills...Norco and Zanaflex, because I feel they are looking at me, wondering why *I* have to take pain pills and muscle relaxers. The reason I feel that they look at me is because I used to work in the pharmacy as a technician. Granted it was only for one month while I filled in for my cousin (no pun intended :]) while he recovered from a broken arm. But I saw people EVERYDAY, numerous amounts of people coming in getting their scripts filled for pain pills. Many people, I couldn't even tell what was wrong with them, and wondered why they were taking all this medication. We went through more pain pills than any other medicine it seemed.

I had my second baby in December of '06, and things just kept getting worse. It was really towards the end of that pregnancy when the pain actually would stop me in my tracks and I couldn't do anything but stand there or sit there, wondering why I was hurting so bad. Many nights I went to bed in tears, and that takes a lot for me. I have to be in just awful, crappy shape, (and thats just under-exagerrating the pain, as it is much, much worse) for me to start to cry.

So now I am one of those people. To look at me, you'd see a 27 year old, normal-looking, chubby mom of two baby girls. But on the inside...everyday...I feel like I am falling apart. And I know strangers who see me taking pain pills might judge me, but I can't do anything about that. You can't see anything wrong with me unless you know what to look for. I can spot someone with scoliosis right off, only because I recognize the symptoms.

Anyways, so here I am, wondering still if I should go through with the surgery. But the answer is, yes, I have to do this. I keep seeing x-rays of people who had severe scoliosis like me, having their backs straightened!!! How can I not at least try? I've read that the most common fear of having the surgery is paralysis, or neurological problems, since they will be messing with my spinal column and cord and stuff.

But then I also imagine the rest of my life, with the pain level I am at now, usually averaging at about a 7 or 8 by the time a normal day is over, and I am only 27...I imagine what it would be like in my 40s and 50s, if I DON'T have the surgery. How terribly bad off I will be. So for now I am still wondering if I am doing the right thing.My next appointment to the doctor is October 17, 2008, and I am gonna express my fears to my doctor. This time I will actually be seeing Dr. Shelokov, the one who will be performing my surgery. Last time, I saw the physicians assistant, Eric, who was awesome by the way. Eric showed me x-rays of a woman who had similar curves to mine, and they totally straightened hers. Totally awesome. It brought tears to my eyes seeing that, imagining that it could be me someday. So when I see Dr. Shelokov, I am going to tell him what all I am afraid of. Hopefully he will calm my fears just a tad.

Anyways, its time for me to take my drugs and lay down for the night.

Adios!