Pain...Pain...Go Away...

Today has been HORRID for me. I did way too much yesterday...mopping and vacuuming and laundry and stuff, and I am definitely feeling it today. Today I had to get stuff ready for school to start...labeling the school supplies, getting the last of the clothes washed and put up, cooking supper and getting the girls a bath.

All day long, I have been just in a gloomy mood, and I am not sure why...like I said yesterday, I did get my monthly visitor, so I guess that is playing a part in things. All day I have been walking around here like an old woman...only taking baby steps, and moving slowly. When I bent over, I did it with caution...when I sat down, I was having to really push myself up, even crying out in pain once or twice. This really sucks! I am 27! Not 87!

Everytime I put weight on my right foot, something is catching on my right side, in my lower back. I can't even take a deep breath right now, everything in my torso is hurting, on my backside. To the point that my entire back is throbbing. I can actually hear it pounding in my head....I have about 4 months left until surgery, and then an even bigger uphill battle for me...recovering from surgery. What I would give to just go to sleep and then wake up, free of pain...There have been nights when I cry to God, to please, just take His hands and straighten my spine, even just a little....just a little relief would be appreciated. I can sometimes even visualize His hands on either side of my spine, gently pushing it back into place. I guess I won't feel that until January 15th.

Although the surgeons will have their tools inside my back to straighten it, they will be led by God's hands.

People keep telling me that I am so strong, that I am a strong woman for facing and dealing with this on top of raising two kids and taking care of a husband...then why do I feel so weak and powerless. So afraid. Strong is the furthest emotion in my mind, and I don't think I will ever see myself as strong. I do hold my head up, and I get through the day, and get my stuff done, but I don't think that makes me strong. That just makes me someone who gets stuff accomplished. I do the same things as any other mother out there...pain or not. The 'or not' is never there though. The pain always is.

So here I sit, its 9:30 PM and the girls have been fed and bathed and all the laundry is done. I got Kaci's backpack ready for tomorrow, and all I like is actually putting them in bed and making her lunch. I can't sit here much longer and type, it is just literally killing me. I called Nana and cried on her shoulder about it...I am just so tired of hurting all the time. I have bad days, and then I have really, really bad days. Never any good days. Never. She got teary eyed and wishes that there was something she could do to help me.

So I am off for now, and I hope that tomorrow is just a bad day, and not a really, really bad day.

adios