Yay!!

So people are actually reading my blog!!

I got an email today from a woman who lives in Texas, and is having her first appointment with Dr. Shelokov in December! She is 32 and I can't wait to talk to her! So this is reassuring that people are out there who come across, and take time, to read my little ol' blog! =]

So I am down to 113 days until my surgery. I went ahead and reserved our hotel for our October visit. We were only going to go up on Thursday night, and come home Friday after the appointment. But Tiffany asked if she could watch the girls so we could make a little trip out of it, and she could practice having the girls. Sooooo, we are leaving Wednesday after she gets off work, and then coming home sometime Saturday. I am sooooo excited.

On Thursday, Gary and I will celebrate our 8th anniversary. Well, I say celebrate. Gary will actually be at the rig Thursday and I will be alone with the kids. Some celebration, huh? So anyways, this little trip to Dallas in October will be a late anniversary celebration =] I have a little surprise for Gary too when we go, and I hope to have a great time!! So thanks to Tiff for helping out, once again.

I did okay today, I didn't do much, thats why. I just took the girls to school and then I came home and went back to bed. So yeah, as long as I am immobile, then I feel great! But then I had to get up and get some cleaning done and cook supper, and then I started to hurt pretty bad. So now I am sitting on the couch with my trusty heating pad! =] I just put one of my two kids to bed and now I am waiting to go to bed too. Think thats where I am headed now, after I sign off. Adios!!

Ugh Part II

Today has not been good.

It started out like any other day. But I have been letting some of my housework go. I keep the house picked up, no clutter everywhere you look. But the detail work, I can't do it hardly anymore. The baseboards, mopping, vacuuming, things like that. I can't bend over and scrub the bathtub, the bathroom counter collects dust and layers of hairspray and gel and all that crap. I mean, its just getting grimy!

The first thing I needed to do was pay the bills. So I sat down and did that. Then I needed to get the new cards activated that I got to replace the ones that were stolen. I have an online profile with each of the cards, 4 total, and since the card number was changed, I had to change that in my profile. New username, new password and all that. And like everything else, there were glitches and I had to call customer service. And I get that same freakin' line, "Well, we really can't disclose any information to you, is Mr. Gary Mobley available by any chance?" Well, no he isn't!!! All I am trying to do is get the online profile changed so that I can make a freakin' payment! I mean, they LET me make payments and I am not Mr. Gary Mobley. Ohh no, but God forbid they tell Mrs. Gary Mobley how to log on to the freakin' online profile thing!!! UGH!!!! I wish I could disguise my voice to sound like a man!! LoL. Like I want to call our mortgage company and see if they do the amortization schedule (meaning you can pay your mortgage off sooner) but Holy Crap, I am not on the mortgage, just Mr. Gary Mobley. And I know if I call they will give me hell. If I get Gary to call he wouldn't know what the hell to ask for, if he even made it through all the automated crap to get to an actual live voice. So I got all that crap taken care of.

Then I decided to clean out my desk, something else that has been let go. I had a pile of papers that needed shredded after doing that. I gathered all the trash and luckily my granddad was here doing the yard so he took all that out for me. I stood at the kitchen table and shredded papers and old bills and old checkbooks. That seemed to take forever. At 11:30 I took two pain pills and a muscle relaxer. I made Lanie's lunch and sat with her while she ate it, and then by the time she was done and I had laid her down for her nap, my medicine had kicked in (thats why I take it 30 minutes before naptime so I can actually relax during the nap) My brother texts me and tells me that my mom quit her job today.. This is not good, as she is a single mom and doesn't have another job lined up. I went on to sleep. Lanie let me sleep for nearly two and a half hours, which was very, very nice.

I wake up and tackle the paper mountain on top of my table again. I finally get that done and then I decided to work on the bathroom. I got that done. After that I looked at the classifieds in the paper to see if there were any housekeepers in there. I didn't think I would ever need a housekeeper. But I found one and I called her and she comes on Monday. She asked if the house was in total disarray, and I said no, that I keep the house picked up but needed help with the details. She said it sounded like it would probably run me about $50 every two weeks. Well I told her that I would probably need her once a week.. She told me she would work with me on prices and we could go over it more when she came over Monday.

In the middle of all this, Lanie is just wandering around the house, looking for things to entertain herself. Well, she decides that our big screen TV needed some decorations. Her preference? My black EYELINER.

Aaarrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhh.

Lucky for her, that came off. Haha.

I haven't got to talk to Gary hardly at all in the last 2 days. They are moving his rig and rigging up and all that junk. He finally just texted me and told me he was back to drilling which means he can probably sit and relax now.

Oh I did find out some really good news today. So my surgery is in 2009, in January. Which usually means that the deductible starts all over and all that. So I was worried that I would be paying two deductibles and two out-of-pocket costs for the same surgery. Well, I had to call my insurance company to get some replacement cards (luckily they talked to me although I wasn't Mr. Gary Mobley lol) and while I had them on the phone I asked them.. She told me that my policy has what they call a Fourth Quarter Carry-Over, which means that anything I have done in October, November or December of this year, it will apply to my deductible in 2009!! That is awesome news, so I don't have two deductibles and all that!! I was sooo thrilled and I emailed the insurance lady at my doctors office and told her, and she said that was fantastic and that she would note it in my account for future reference. She then told me that I had VERY good insurance!! This is so reassuring and one less thing to worry about! So that had been about the brightest part of my day.

Well, I really need to bathe the kids and get them to bed...and hope that I can relax a little...I am hurting pretty bad and I got more to do tomorrow.

Adios!!

Through thick and thin

Gary and I got into it pretty bad again the other day. Just the same old stuff that we keep fighting about over and over...just in different words and stuff. I hate it, but it is what it is. It seems that every since I decided to go through with this surgery, thinks have been more tense. I admit, that this ordeal that I am about to go through is NOT going to be a bowl of cherries for anyone directly involved with me. I hate it, but I have to do this, regardless.

Anyways, so these fights that we've been having have been the worse EVER. I mean, we have both been lashing out with destructive words and stuff...ugh...it just makes me sick to even think about it. And I don't really know WHY we are dealing with each other this way. Here we are, supposed to love each other more than anything in this entire world, and we talk to each other like we are dirt on each others shoes. And I must add that most of our fights are done out of earshot to the kids. Anyways, this last one that we got into, we both cried, like babies, after it was said and done, and we made up. But it was heartbreaking.

One thing that I am proud of is the fact that Gary and I have never, ever, split up. We have never gone our seperate ways for any length of time, and gotten back together. We love each other, and there is SOMETHING there that is binding us together, something that maybe we can't see right now. But we've never given up on each other. Nana says she is proud of me that I am not one to give up on the ones I love. I guess that is true, I never thought of it that way. I mean, isn't it my JOB to love him no matter how bad things get? Isn't that where the vows we repeated to each other comes in? We promised to love each other through bad and good, sickness and health, and through thick and thin. And in less than two weeks, we will celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary. And every year that passes is like a milestone...its SO easy these days for people to just throw in the towel in give up on their marriage. Gary and I basically grew up together, meaning that we met when were still kids, we didn't know anything. We were in love and barely knew that love was more than just holding hands. We have been hit with some really bad things in our marriage. Some we did to ourselves, some were out of our control. But the thing is that WE MADE IT.

My grandparents, they have been married for over 50 years now. And things weren't always peachy for them either. They even got divorced and remarried three times. But something kept bringing them back together, and they thank the Lord that it worked out for them. They created a lifetime full of memories with their kids, their kids gave them six wonderful grandchildren, and we in turn have given them four great-grandchildren. I want to be like that. I want our lives to be filled with memories, more than what we have made already...I want our kids to grow up and get married and have babies for us to play with. And the only way to get all of that is to make it through the hard times, and let the hard times build you up instead of tearing you down. I think Gary and I have that in us, because we have made it this far, and after my surgery, if we make it through that, we can make it through anything.

Ok, so NONE of the above has ANYTHING to do with my back. But oh well. I just wanted to get that out there...I do love Gary with all my heart, he is and will forever be a part of me. And I hope that we do make it together, til death do us part. <3 <3

Duct tape and Temper Tantrums

What a different title huh?

Hahaha...you'll find out why here in a minute what I am talking about.

Nothing too exciting happened. I stayed home and did a little bit around the house, texted Gary all day long, then went and picked Kaci up from school. After school, we went to Walmart, and I had a list of stuff to get. Well, I was gonna buy Kaci the new Barbie movie. And when she got it in her hands, she started asking if she could have the matching doll, the dress, the accessories, the toilet paper, ANYTHING that coordinated with the damn movie. Of course, my answer was no, No!, NOOO!!!! So she starts throwing a little fit, muttering under her breath about how I never let her get anything, how I am soooo mean and all that. So I took the movie from her, and said, "Guess what? You aren't getting the movie either!!" and I put it back on some random shelf. OMG, She lost it then!! She cried, and begged and pleaded with me...following me around the store with big ol' crocodile tears streaming down her face, EVERYONE was looking at us, but I did NOT care. I told her that she was drawing attention to what a spoiled crybaby she was being, and all I got in return was "Pleeeeeeease Momma!!" but I didn't give in. She probably assumed I would change my mind, and as we went to the checkout, and she knew I was done buying groceries, she started to cry even harder. I just acted like it didn't bother me, and went about checking out. We left the store, and she was fine 5 minutes later.

I was sooooo proud of myself, because it is SOO easy to give in to what your kids want, especially when they are attracting the stares of everyone in a 5 mile radius by crying. Loudly. PATHETICALLY. I am trying to explain to her that there are kids out there that don't have ANYTHING extra, some don't even have the basic necessities. And she needs to be grateful. So I hope she learned a lesson today.

So that explains the temper tantrum part of the title. Now ready for the duct tape? Maybe you thought I was going to duct tape Kaci's mouth shut...Hahaha [although it was tempting] Well, last night, I was reading and before I went to sleep for the night, I got up to check on the girls. I walk in to Lanie's room, and lo and behold, she is sleeping on her stomach, her little BARE butt up in the air. Her diaper was on the floor next to the crib. So I put another diaper on her [without waking her, I might add...GO ME!!!] and went back to sleep. This morning, she was naked again. Well, I don't have any kind of pants she can sleep in at night, all she has are blue jeans, and no one likes sleeping in blue jeans. So I decided to duct tape her diaper tabs down. I didn't have any, so that was on my list at Walmart. And to my surprise they had HOT PINK duct tape. So that is what we got!! When we got home, the kids went outside to play while I carried stuff in [UGH!] and I looked out in the backyard, and there Lanie is running around in the buff. So in the house she went, to get a new diaper, and with a strip of duct tape covering the tabs. She looked at me like Mom, WTF are you doing??? Hahahahaha.

Anyways, so now I am about to get dinner cooked and my grandparents are coming over here in a bit.. They bought a new car and want to show me, and they are gonna help me do a couple things around here...thank God, because I am needing some help and my back is already killing me. 124 days left........

Later peeps.

125 days and counting...

Pretty soon that number is gonna be under 100 and then its really gonna fly by. I do know that January 15th is exactly 21 days after Christmas. I am so nervous already. Well, for the most part, I am ok. I am busy a lot, trying to get stuff done and the day is gone before I know it. Its when I am in bed at night that it really weighs on my mind. I am scared. I admit it. There are all these details, millions of them it seems, that have to be worked out, and it just worries me. I know in the end, it will all work out, but I am the type of person who likes to know when and where things are gonna happen. No last minute surprises.

I got one major detail almost ironed out. The care of my girls while I am gone. See, I wanted my mom to be in the hospital with me. But she is looking for another job and by then won't have vacation time saved up. So my next choice was Nana. Well, Nana is the one who was gonna watch the kids, her and my granddad [BigDad]. So Tiffany [Gary's sister] has offered to take her vacation time and stay here at my house with the girls, and then Nana can go to Plano with me. I love Tiffany for offreing to do this, but I am afraid she doesn't know what a big job it will be. I mean, this won't be like babysitting them for the night. It will be a very long 8 or 9 days for her. Taking them to school, making sure they have their lunches made, clean clothes, baths, and they will be acting differently I am sure, since I won't be there. They will be anxious and scared at times I am sure, and they will miss me like crazy and its gonna be hard on them. I just hope she knows what she is getting herself into LoL. Bigdad of course would come check in with her, and so would other family members. I am just worried about it all. But if she does this, I will be eternally grateful, I told her I would write down EVERYTHING about their schedules and daily stuff, and that I would make sure everything is ready when she got there. I am gonna be soooooooo sad when it comes time to leave my babies :[ It makes me cry now just thinking about it.

I am just being emotional right now I guess...haha.

On a lighter note...I did get my mortgage situation figured out. I called them today again and they told me that the payment I sent was rejected because it was an invalid account. I guess I pushed the wrong button by mistake when I was entering in my info. So I made the payment over the phone and got that taken care of.

Oh and I did get my wish this morning...I woke up and sure enough it was cloudy and misting rain again! So I took the girls to school and then I came home and went to sleep until like 1:30!!! It was sooooooo nice and much needed. My room was nice and dark, and even though it was cool outside, I turned the air way down, so it was also cold...and I was snuggled up under my covers...it was a great nap :] When I went and picked Lanie up, her teacher told me that she had bitten a little boy in her class! :[ Not good. I asked if his mother was mad, and she said no, that he had bitten before too, so she understood. Thank goodness for that...I don't need an angry mom on my tail. :] But I hope Lanie doesn't continue to bite, because they will kick her butt out after so many infractions...

After I picked Lanie and Kaci up from school, we went to Nana and Bigdads house for a little bit. The girls love them so much! As soon as we pull into the drive-way, Lanie starts saying "Nana" over and over and runs to the door as soon as I let her out. LoL. They are crazy over them, just like I was as a kid...still am, I guess...If it hadn't been for them, I have no idea where or what I would be today. They have saved my ass during rough times and were always there in the tough times. And if it weren't for them, I couldn't have this surgery, because they are the ones who are taking care of me afterwards...

Anyways, I have said enough for today...I am tired and I think I am getting sick.. My nose hurts when I breathe and my head feels weird and my eyes are burning. UGH!! Thats all I need right now. So I am gonna go to bed, read and then go to sleep...

Laters.

UGH!!!

So today I had to play catch up on my laundry and other household crap. Not fun. I woke up this morning and its like 60 degrees, cloudy and misting rain. I love that kind of weather. If I had my way, I would have just stayed in bed, but, Kaci needed to go to school and Lanie had to be taken care of...haha.

I get my laundry done for the most part, folded everything, put everything up...I still like about one load to finish. Anyways, in between loads, I was checking my bank account stuff, and I noticed that my mortgage payment that I made on the 3rd still hasn't posted to my account. So I called the mortgage company to ask them about this. Their reply? "We can't tell you anything because you aren't Gary Mobley" OK, So I told them that they must not be too concerned with getting their money then. Then I went to check the mail. I noticed that I got my replacement debit card. CARD! They were supposed to send both Gary and I one, since mine was stolen and I had to cancel the number. So they just send ME one. Hello!!!! I called the bank, and they tell me "Well, Gary needs to come in and sign the commerce card" Well, that dumb bitch at the bank didn't tell me that when I was up there trying to get crap straightened out. I just assumed that since the stolen card number was replaced, that they would replace BOTH cards. UGH!!! After that, Kaci tells me that the necklace she wore to school today was taken up by the teacher. Today was picture day, so she wore this guitar necklace that her daddy gave her. Well, one of her friends asked to wear it, so Kaci let her. Then that friend let another little girl wear it and then they started to argue about it. So the teacher took it up. Kaci was in hysterics about this necklace and it took all I had to console her!!! All this crap happened in about a 5 minute span. UGH!!!!

I got all my laundry washed and only like having to fold it all. My mom came over after work and I helped her with a resume, she is trying to find another job. I get her resume all done, and I go to print it, and my effin printer decided to be gay and not work! I swear. Today just has NOT been my day.

Tomorrow, both girls go to school and I am really, REALLY hoping that its still all nice and cloudy, so that I can come home and just go back to bed and enjoy the QUIET!!!

Goodnight.

La Di Da

Ok, so I really have nothing too interesting to write about today. Nothing extraordinary happened today...I woke up and it was really dark outside with rain...raining pretty hard, actually. I took the kids to school and then I came back home and went to bed...it was perfect sleeping weather.

Gary and I cooked dinner together, which is a rare occasion!! He even helped me clean up afterwards and I was able to sit and relax and watch TV and stuff :] We cooked 5 pounds of potatoes, to make his tater tacos [[yuck]] and the girls and I made spaghetti. We made so many potatoes so that he could take them to work and have something to eat while he is at the rig for 4 days. He could live off those tater tacos and I don't know why. His sister Tiffany loves them too. They used to eat them a lot as a kid. Anyways, so I think he has like 10 burritos total...LoL.

In the middle of cooking supper, my back started to hurt pretty bad, so I decided to go ahead and try one of those Thermacare HeatWraps...and those are pretty cool...to get to wear a heating pad type thing while you are up and moving around. They aren't as good as a real heating pad, but it still felt good to wear it.

Anyways, so Gary goes back to the rig tomorrow for 4 days, and I have some housework to get caught up on, gonna see if I can get some help from someone on that. Now I am off to bed, and I will write tomorrow......

Adios!

Fairs and Wrestling

This morning, I went and picked the girls up from my moms house. They stayed the night over there last night. Gary and I didn't do anything last night, except for fight, which we quickly got over and everything is fine for the time being...=] We stayed up late, and then we got some late night supper at Whataburger and then we came back home and Gary went on to bed and I stayed up until about 2:30 reading =] =] I slept in, which is always nice, until about 10:45.

We came home this afternoon, and Gary watched a football game, his Houston Texas [[who lost LoL]] against the Steelers...and we decided to take Kaci to the fair. We didn't want to take Lanie, as she can't really ride anything because she is still too small, and I doubted she would have stayed in her stroller. So Tiffany [[I love her to death, she helps me so much]] came over and stayed with Lanie so we could take Kaci.

The fair has gone sooooo way downhill since I was a kid. Or maybe it was crappy then too, it was just that I was a kid and didn't know any better. Haha. Anyways, the fair here is held at the Ector County Coliseum, and then there are a bunch of barns that hold different stuff, vendors, crap like that. Used to, the coliseum was FULL of different companies and vendors and you could walk through there and pick up like a plastic bag, and each booth would give stuff away. Granted it was nothing of value...keychains, magnets, writing pads, pens and pencils, stuff like that. But to me it was really exciting to get stuff like that!! Well they don't have that anymore, they do have vendors, but not like before. So that sucks...haha. It used to just cost $5 to get in...ohhhh no, not anymore, its now $10. Then the carnival, it is $2/ticket for the rides. Each ride is at least 3 or 4, sometimes 5 tickets. Or you can buy armbands at $20 apiece. Sooooo, for me, Gary and Kaci, it costs $85 to get in, and for all of us to have arm bands. We weren't going to get armbands for Gary and I, but if we wanted to ride the ferris wheel, it would have cost $20 in tickets just to ride ONE TIME. Such a rip-off. So we bought the armbands, and I rode a few things, stuff that Gary nor Kaci would ride because they are chickens =] That is ONE thing that I need to make sure that I ask my doctor...if I can ever ride rollercoasters again!! I will be sooooo sad if that is the case, because I LOVE ROLLERCOATERS!!! I will ride anything!

Another thing that I love about the fair is getting to people-watch. I am sorry, and I hate to be mean, but, its like events like fairs and carnivals, all the weird people come out of the woodwork! I mean...Ok, its like some of these people decide, "Ok, I am going out in front of a lot of people, and I want them to STARE at me!!!" And thats exactly what happens. For instance, I see overly OVERLY large women wearing really skimpy clothes...Uhhh no. That is so not cool. I am glad you have the self confidence, but damnnnnn!! I have a chubby figure, and I wouldn't be caught dead in some of the outfits I saw tonight. Gothic freaks who try too hard. Thats another one. I love gothic people, I think they are cool, IF they know what they are doing. The ones that are trying to look like Count Dracula from Oilfield Transylvania are the ones that make me laugh. The Buckle-Bunnies. The ones who dress like they grew up on a ranch and ride horses everywhere. The ones who probably wouldn't know what a cowboy was if it bit them on the ass. Again, they just try too hard. Because I have nothing against cowboys, gangsters, preppies, goths, skaters, anything like that...IF you know how to pull it off, you know what I mean? And then the ones who look like they get ready for the day in the dark. They are wearing mismatched clothes, dirty clothes, just weird looking people...like they just stepped out of some distant mountain range in deep Arkansas or something. Ok, so I am being mean. Maybe people observe me the same way. But I TRY to look decent at all times. Just normal. But then again, these other people may think they look normal too..who knows? But I still think its funny!

So now we are back at home. We are watching wrestling that we rented on PPV. I know wrestling is so fake and a lot of the times, I just watch so that I get to make fun of them...because it can be sooooo corny. But in a lot of ways, wrestling has gotten to be like a soap opera. Drama. The reason I am watching tonight is because of Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho. Chris beat the hell out of Shawn not too long ago, and ruined his eye sight and all that. Well, so Shawn was going to retire, because they doctors advised him not to "fight" anymore. So he comes out to the ring, with his wife by his side, and announces his retirement. The fans are all crying and all this funny dramatic stuff. Then Chris comes out to the ring and tells him off, and as Shawn turns around to leave, Chris raises his fist to hit him, Shawn ducks, and Chris pegs Shawns wife right in the jaw! Ok, ok, so I know its all fake, but still, I was intrigued that they would do something so controversial. Of course, she gets up, in a daze and her lip is all swollen and supposedly, he fractured her jaw and all that. Shawn is shaking with anger...Chris comes out a couple weeks later and shows no remorse for hitting Shawns wife. But Shawn told Chris that yes, he was going to retire, but after hitting his wife, he wasn't going anywhere and wanted to fight Chris one final time. Sooooo, they drew up contracts through their lawyers saying that they would fight, but that it was unsanctioned, meaning that if one of them severely hurt or killed the other [[yeah right, like that would happen]], then they weren't held responsible...Sooo I am just sitting here waiting for THAT particular match. I could care less about all these other goons in their tight little underwears [[Well, I do like Triple H, John Cena and Randy Orton, ok so I am weird I guess!]]

Anyways...so like I've mentioned before, I am totally engrossed in this Twilight Saga Book Series, about vampires haha...well, I am beginning to wonder if maybe I should quit reading stuff that is evil...my grandmother says vampires are demonic...haha. Last night, we had left the TV in the living room on. Well, when that TV is turned off or on, it makes a little "doot-de-doot" sound. We're laying in our bed, and we hear our TV go off in the living room! We heard the little "doot-de-doo" sound! I get up and the remote is still on the couch and yep the TV is off! Ok...weird. Then today I had my iPod on its little radio dock and I had it turned up because I was all over the house getting ready and cleaning and stuff. Well, I skipped to a song I liked and then halfway through, it just skipped to the next song! So I thought it was just a glitch. I skip it to another song, and I walk away and it skips again to the next song. I put it back on the original song, and stay there for a minute, and it stayed where it was. Walked away and it skipped again. Even more weird. So maybe we have a technological ghost here? Who knows. So my grandma is like, "I wouldn't read anything else about vampires or witches or anything like that." I really don't think my house is possessed, ok? LoL. But I can't put these books down hardly when I read them, maybe they do have subliminal messages in them! LoL. I am already sad that I am halfway done almost, and don't want the story to end. I am almost done with book 2, and then I already bought book 3. Then there is book 4 and then I am done. Sad. :[

Ok, so I am gonna shut up now, I have rambled wayyy too long about pointless stuff. The kids just got out of the bath and Lanie is running around here in the buff, and I need to get her diapered up before she starts trying to mark her territory :] Goodnight people!!

Here I sit...

It's a boring Saturday afternoon, and nothing is going on today...Kaci spent the night at my grandparents house last night, so we had a little break from one child =] Then today, Tiffany took the girls swimming at her apartment. They could have stayed all day I am sure, but Tiffany was wore out. And I told her, "See, this is why I say no about stuff like this all the time, I can't do it." I am sure people wonder why I don't go out much, or why my kids aren't involved in all kinds of extra-curricular stuff...that is why. It hurts to go do anything. Well, it wasn't so bad before Lanie made her appearance =] But now that Lanie is all over God's green earth anytime we go anywhere, going anywhere now is a freakin' struggle. So that is one thing I am really looking forward to, is for the girls to be a little older, and more independent, and I am healed and can volunteer at their schools or get them in sports or something!

I have so many things that I want to do after I get better, to try and make up for the lost years...especially the last 6 years.

Anyways, I got off my train of thought...I do that easily =] Tonight, my mother is taking both girls to her house to spend the night! Yay!! Sooooo, Gary is going to teach me how to play poker...His mom bought him a poker set for Christmas one year and we never have opened it even. So we are probably gonna listen to the stereo, play poker, and just relax while the kids are gone. I think I might be the only person in the world that can't play poker...isn't that a game that everyone knows how to play? Oh well...theres a first time for everything, right?

Well, I am gonna get off here to start some supper and get the girls off to Grammie's.

Adios!

Medical Jibberish...

This post is in regards to the stuff I learned while talking to my doctor in Plano over the phone. It's gonna be boring to anyone, unless you are just into medical stuff LoL. This is actually the email that I sent to my friend, but I thought I would just copy and paste it here so that I wouldn't have to re-type it all. My friend, Suzy, and a friend of hers are the ones who brought these questions to my attention. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have thought to ask these, and I am so glad that I did, and now when I AM doing my research, things are making a lot more sense to me. So thanks to Suzy and her friend =]

I will be fused from T4-L2 is what they told me, it will be the posterior approach. 11 of my vertebrae will be fused.

They don't use the BMP method unless absolutely necessary, like if I have low bone density [which he said at my age that shouldn't be a problem] or if he has to do A LOT of bone work. [A 'BMP' stands for Bone Morphogenetic Protein and is usually taken out of the hip bone during a surgery through a syringe, and placed into the spine, where the doctor sees fit]

He didn't have access to my bending film [Bending films is where you lay on your back, or stomach, and the radiologist has you bend all the way to the right or left as far as you can, to check for flexibility of the spine] as the computer they were on was being updated, but he said that he would have to get back to me on whether or not they are structural.[Structural curves are more rigid and harder to correct, because the flexibility is lost] He said it depends on my bending films. When I was in there the 1st time, they did the bending films, and I remember Eric saying that my spine was still flexible, that the bending x-rays came out good. I remember that much. Like I said, all I heard that day was that they could help me lol.

When I asked about what he anticipates correction to be - he said he tries to get as a straight as possible, as safe as possible, that the entire time, I will be under spinal cord monitoring, and it will tell them just to how far my spine will allowed to be pushed back into place. His goal is to make me completely straight, but that sometimes it could go from 65 degrees to maybe 15 degrees, which for ME, would be OUTSTANDING! I could live with a 15 degree curve :]. But, he said by looking at my curves compared to others that they have seen, I have a great outlook as far as getting a straight spine. [Because he has patients come in with 130 degree curves that still manage to get almost perfectly straight] He assured me that my curvature, with the range of degrees, is very common and is FIXED on a daily basis. So that was comforting to hear.

Pain relief after surgery. I will be placed on the Duramorph pump that I can release the meds whenever I need it. Then they usually try to get me off of that by day 3 or 4, and onto the Dilaudid and other meds, whatever I need. He said they are very, very aggressive with pain relief after surgery.

My typical hospital stay can be anywhere from 5-14 days. Usually with patients that are my age, we go into ICU for the first, second, and possibly the third day. Then I am moved to PCU for about 4 or 5 days. If I am recovering quite nicely, am able to walk more than 300 feet, can do very simple tasks, things like that, then I will get to bypass going to the rehab facility, and would be sent home. If I do need to go to the rehab facility, it all depends on how fast and well I take on to recovering as to when they would release me from there. The goal is the help me transition from the hospital to the home setting, and it can vary from patient to patient.

Blood transfusion, he doesn't anticipate more than 4-6 units, but said that some patients require less than that, or more than that. Anticipate 6-8 units, but probably, if at all, would need 4-6 units. [Blood loss can be a concern because the bone that makes up the spine is rich with blood supply, and also, when they make the incision, my spine is covered with muscles and tissues. That will be stripped away from my spine so that they have access to my spine. Gory stuff, huh?? Haha!] Note: I wanted to say that they told me that more than likely, I will NOT need a blood transfusion, the units above that he spoke of is what they anticipate, IF I need blood transfusions. Just wanted to get that out there.

Thoracoplasty [This is a procedure where they go in remove several ribs to take away that hideous rib hump] will not be necessary unless my bones are very hard and rigid, and the spine can't go back into place as much as they would like it to, which he said will more than likely not be a problem in my case due to my age. He said that when they straighten the spine, the rib hump will be greatly reduced, [thank God, I hate that thing!] almost eliminated, therefore not needing thoracoplasty. He said they try to avoid it as much as possible, as it makes recovery harder, because it will feel as if my ribs are broken where they had to remove ribs and stuff, and that is very painful! [[Thank goodness, because I read about that, and didn't want it done!]]

His infection rate is very good. The past year, they had two infections, which is exceptional in this field. He said they do A LOT of things to prevent infection. I will be given a body scrub to wash with the night before, Bactroban is used inside the nose, and they wear hoods to prevent infection.

The bank bones they use are also antibacterial. He uses Allo-graft, bank bones. [Which instead of using my bones from say my hip or something, they use donated bone, from cadavers, living or non-living relatives]

He said that the pseudoarthroses [this means that the fusion fails, comes undone, breaks] rate in ADULT FIRST TIME surgeries was, symptomatic about 10-14%, so about 10-14 people out off 100. Non-symptomatic 25 people out of 100, or 25%. He told me that while, this can happen, that the technology and surgical expertise increases everyday, and I can rest assured that I will not have to let this be one of my main concerns, that it gets more and more rare. If it does happen, they will do everything they can to correct and stop the pseudoarthroses.

Revision [Going back in and repairing the spine after a fusion] will only be needed in the case of pseudoarthroses or adjacent segment disease. Like the vertebrae above and below, but mainly the ones below, will have extra pressure put on them, due to the fusion. He said that revision rates can vary from person to person, as it depends on how well they take care of their back AFTER having this surgery. Like using the techniques we are taught in PT. Squat instead of outright bending over, lifting with your knees, stuff we should ALL do anyways, but we don't. If I was extra careful with my back, then I could avoid revision for 30 years, or it could be 15 years, or 10, and so forth. He said that this also varies from patient to patient. That is why, after the first year of surgery, they want me to come in once a year on the anniversary of my surgery, to have x-rays done to check for any abnormalities in the verterbrae underneath the fusion, disk degeneration, ANYTHING out of the norm, so that they can be better take care of me and avoid anything excruciating [[like me not ever checking back in with them and then one day my disks just go out and it hurts like hell, whereas if I had been getting checked on, they could tell me if that was happening or not, you know what I mean??]]

He said that they are hard to get in with, but once I am a patient of theirs, I am a patient for life, and that they will not operate on my back and then send me on my merry way with a pat on the back and "Good Luck" wishes. That they will want to see me every year from now on.

Oh and they use stainless steel instead of titanium. 1/4 inch Expedium (I think) rods. He told me his opinion was that stainless steel was better than titanium because its lighter, stronger and allows for more flexibility, with the hooks and screws.

Then I asked him outright, why the advertisements. :] Aren't you proud of me?? LoL.He said that there is a rule of thumb that medical practices shouldn't advertise. But he said that scoliosis surgery is such a specialized field. That they didn't want to just depend on word-of-mouth, because how many people know someone with scoliosis that is so bad that they are facing surgery to correct it. That they just want to get the word out there, that there is help for adults who need surgery for the first time, and for patients who need revision work because another doctor messed them up, or they weren't happy. He said that almost 50% of his patients are from other doctors, needing a revision.

Now, if any of this doesn't make sense to someone who KNOWS spinal stuff, it could be because he was talking, and I was typing away furiously trying to get all the info I could in black and white! At first I was trying to write the answers. Then I told him, "Wait! Let me get my laptop, I can type faster than I write and my hand won't cramp up!!" LoL.

Then he also told me that he was very happy to see me asking these kinds of questions, that he worries when his patients don't ask questions. He said so many people go into this no knowing much, if anything at all. So I would be one of those if my friends hadn't helped me out.

Ok, enough with all the medical jarbon! =] I am getting hungry and need to eat something!! I will write a normal blog later on probably...

~Adios~

So its bedtime...

And I am so happy! My wonderful sister-in-law, Tiffany, came over to help me with the girls tonight, and she helped get the house straightened up and I have got to sit here and relax for the last 3 hours! She is going to stay the night, and is gonna take Kaci to school for me in the morning!! I am so happy and relaxed right now. Obviously it doesn't take much to thrill me hahaha =] I need as many breaks as I can get right now.

I am to the point now that I think I am gonna have to hire someone to come in once or twice a week to do housework, thats how bad its getting. I don't even know how much a decent housekeeper costs and how much they do in the house. I am gonna look into it here pretty soon. Like today at like 1:30 PM, I was already hurting really bad, couldn't hardly move...and Tiffany called to ask how I was and I was like, umm, well I can hardly move and I got tons to do still. She rescued the day and came to help me, but I can't expect her or anyone else to do stuff like that on a daily basis. So.....thats on my to-do list.

Something totally unexpected happened today to that totally made my day. I don't really wanna talk about it, but its something that has been weighing on my mind and now its not, and thats all I am gonna say. So thanks, to the person who made my day brighter...you know who you are.

Well, anyways, Gary comes home tomorrow, and I was hoping we could go out this weekend, maybe to the Comedy Club, but I don't know if we're gonna get to. I have people wanting my kids all weekend lol. Nana is picking Kaci up from school tomorrow, and she is spending the night. Then Saturday, the girls will spend the night with my mom...So Gary and I may definitely go out and do something since we will be childless for a few hours =]

Anyways, I guess I am gonna get the kids to bed, and go lay down and READ!! Yay!! Til tomorrow....

6 A.M.

Why in the world am I up at 6AM? Actually, I woke up at 5:45, to the sound of Lanie crying. I wanted her to go back to sleep, but she had other intentions. And I didn't want to lay back down and get all comfy and then have to wake up an hour later. I HATE THAT!! So I just stayed up. And now Lanie is getting all the clean clothes out of the hamper and putting them on...t-shirts, panties, shorts, whatever...they are all hanging around her waist. LoL.

I went to bed pretty early last night. Early for me. I usually stay up until about 1 or 2 reading. But last night I think I needed to catch up, and ended up falling asleep around 10:30 and I slept like a baby!! I woke up at 3:45 to go to the bathroom and I was still laying in the same position that I was in when I crashed. Well, when that happens that usually means that I am gonna be hurting like hell when I get up. Sure enough, I could hardly get out of bed. I made it to the bathroom, slowly, and then I took a pain pill and sat on my heating pad.

Weird fact about Staci: I don't sleep very well at night, but not only is it because of my back, its because I have nightmares. Well, really, not even "nightmares" per say. Umm, I just think weird stuff, or think I see things that creep me the hell out. For instance, on the wall that my headboard is on, I have one of those big stars, one on my side, one on Gary's side. At the foot of my bed is my dresser with a huge mirror on it. So when I open my eyes and look at the foot of the bed, I can see the mirror, and those stars. One night I woke up, and glanced up there, and for a second, I thought they were hanging upside down!!
Upside down stars in the middle of the night, or a bad dream = Scary. Or another weird thing is this: I go to bed, and I sleep in just my t-shirt and no pants, shorts or anything. Well, I wake up in a fright thinking that I have people staying the night at my house and they are gonna see me in my panties or something!! So I spring out of bed, and quickly put my shorts on or something, and then I just go right back to sleep. This happens a lot. Also, I have no doors on my closet, so my clothes that are hanging there, swaying in the breeze of the fan, yeah, you see where I am going with this, right? LoL. Sometimes if I wake up and glance towards the closet, I get all scared, and have to go rearrange my clothes so they won't be hanging a certain way. I have a mirror on my wall on the wall by my bedroom door, and under that is like this thing that has 5 hooks on it, to hang coats up, shirts, purses, whatever. Every night, before I go to bed, I take everything off those hooks so that I don't wake up and see something. When there is anything dark hanging up there, and I wake up, half in a daze, it looks like that little girl that crawls out of the well on The Ring, with her black, long hair in her face and stuff!!! I mean, I am weird!!!

But I think a lot of it has to do with those stupid muscle relaxers that I have to take each night. Because they make me all loopy, and I crash hard when I do finally fall asleep, but I always, WITHOUT FAIL, wake up at some point in the night with some weird thought, or I think I hear something, anything. And all this intensifies when Gary is at the rig and I am sleeping alone. But he catches it too...one night I woke up and started hitting him! LoL...He was like, "STACI! What the hell are you doing???" Hahaha.

So why am I writing about all of this? Because now I am freaking tired from waking up so early and I can already tell this is gonna be a long day. As soon as Lanie lays her pretty little head down, I will be laying my pretty little head down too! I may just camp out on the couch all day again!! Nah...I gots too much to do today. Unfortunately.

Anyways, I am sure I will write some more tonight. =]

So.

Lanie-Bug started school today. Well, not school school, but it was Mother's Day Out. I felt so sad when I left her up there, although she went right in to play with the other kids, and didn't cry, I was just hesitant to leave. This school is the same one that Kaci went to, and they taught her so much, and I could have started Lanie earlier, but I kept putting it off, because she is my last baby, and all that other sappy stuff. =] I was afraid she would be mean to the other kids, because she has to defend herself against Kaci so much, but her teachers said she did really well.

While I was childless, I got nothing accomplished. =] Ok, well, I did go to the bank, the store, the pharmacy, went tanning, paid bills, talked to Ashley on the phone, and did just a little bit around the house. So I guess I did a little more than nothing. After I got Kaci from school, we went over to Nana's house to visit for a little while.


Oh! A few days ago, I emailed my doctor in Plano, and asked him some very specific questions about my upcoming surgery. He called me back today and he stayed on the phone with me for nearly an hour answering all my questions. The list of questions that I asked him, are the ones that my friend off the scoliosis forum suggested that I ask. And they answered everything, and now I feel even better and more at ease, and all that is left is actually meeting the surgeon himself. I even asked him why they advertise! haha. I still go on October 17th for another check-up and more discussions, and most importantly, meeting Dr. Shelokov. Sometimes its surreal that I am still going through with this, because I never did think I would.

So anyways, now here I sit waiting for bedtime, as I want to get back to my book. So what, I am a bookworm =] This Twilight Saga is awesome!! I really didn't think I would like a vampire story. When I think about a vampire, I think of the Count on Sesame Street...the purple guy who has a hearty laugh. Bwah hah hah!!
Someone who sleeps in a coffin, and you repel them with freakin garlic cloves and stuff LoL. But seriously, this is really a good story!! What do they like to call it? "A real page-turner"

All I know is I need to buy a stock in Barnes & Noble! Hahaha

Tomorrow, I am staying home, gonna clean, get things ready for Gary to come home Friday morning. Will write tomorrow, I am sure.....

Adios!!

I am finished...

Feeling sorry for myself now. Hooray!! Hahaha. Anyways, yeah I had my little sulk-stage and now I am back full force.

I have a good course of action for my marriage, although I am not going to talk about it, just going to test the waters first...See how things go, that kind of thing.

I have less than four and a half months until surgery, everyday is gonna go by faster than the next, and these last 4 months will be the hardest wait, although I have dealt with this for 15 years.

I am in stronger spirits now, so life and all the petty and grand pitfalls that come with it can just bring it on, I can deal with it. I was having a rough time, but I am over it now. More rough times will come, I know, but I will be fine.

Anyways, on a lighter note. I started a new novel on Sunday night. I usually only read like Women's Fiction, drama, things like that. Well, a friend of mine on Myspace, she was always talking about this Twilight Saga, and since I was looking for something different to try out as far as books, I messaged her and asked her about it. Well, turns out, its about a vampire. My first thought was, "Uhhh, no." LoL. But she told me a lot about it, the storyline and stuff and I thought what the hell, I will give it a shot. So I bought the first book, and was a little intimidated by its size, its a 498 page book. Usually I don't buy really long books to read because I get bored after a while. But I got it anyways. Well, I started Sunday night, and was waiting for the "I can't put it down" moment that my friend told me she had. LoL. But that part came on Monday night, and I stayed up really late reading. As of right now, I have 109 pages left, and I will finish it tonight, and then I would have been stuck without Book 2 called New Moon, so, I went out and bought it today so that I would have it on hand at 1 AM when I finished the first one... LoL. After that, there are two more books to the series, that I am aware of.

Oh and today, I went to the bank to get my crap taken care of about my purse getting stolen. Everything on that front is taken care of, and luckily, they didn't use my debit card for anything. I just have to wait to get my new debit card, and then I have to order some new checks. Which I was trying to do that earlier, but, when I went to order, they asked for my credit card information....Ummmmm, I have no credit cards now!! LoL. So I am gonna go to the bank in the morning and order checks through them and they will just deduct it from my account.

Anyways, I am about to go get the kids ready for bed...Lanie is starting school tomorrow...awwww =] And then I am gonna watch a movie with my brother. ~Adios~

Totally OFF TOPIC but.....

I just have to say that I think its funny how someone can tell someone else to get a life, and not mess with theirs, but yet, when shits going wrong on their end, they want to call me, and email me, and try and befriend me on Myspace and all that. Yeah, thats totally ok, but yeah, I need to get a life.

Whatever.

Today has not been good

If its not one thing, its another right?

My purse was stolen out of my car...I was taking the kids to my grandparents house so that I could come back home and rest. Well, I realized I had left my purse at home, so I went home to get get it, but couldn't find it. So I figured Gary took it. We aren't getting along right now, and thought maybe he took it to piss me off or something. I finally get ahold of him, and he tells me no, he didn't take my purse, and so I let him go so I could call the bank and cancel the debit card and stuff. Lucky for me, I get my purse stolen on a holiday, and the bank is closed. I called the emergency number and had my card cancelled. But I have to wait until first thing in the morning to get the checks straightened out. Luckily, I had my drivers license in the house, since Gary and I went out Saturday and I needed it, and left it in my back pocket. My SS card was in the house anyways, I don't carry that around. So they stole my cheap purse, and my cheap wallet, and my twenty bucks that I had in there. UGH!!!! Also, Gary's payroll check comes in this week, through direct deposit and I don't know how they handle that. I can't get the direct deposit stopped this quickly, so if they put it in my old account that will be closed as of tomorrow, will they transfer the money, how do I get the money that is coming in this week?

This is such a mess, and kind of like just pushed me totally into "I don't give a shit" mode. All the things I have been worrying about, my back, my surgery, whether or not I am making the right decision, mine and Gary's marriage that is crumbling, all that, and then now this. This one little thing, just pushed me over the edge. I am like NUMB right now is how I feel. I had to borrow money from my grandparents to get by until I get this mess taken care of. Its just another headache on my end, that no one else has to worry about or deal with other than me.

I am going to go watch a movie and try and relax, but I will remain comfortably numb for a while...unless something happens to lighten the heaviness in my heart.

Clarifying a few things

Recently, I have started talking to a woman who has had the scoliosis surgery herself, and she has brought a few questions to my attention, that her and her friends have discussed about me.

They read my blog, and some of the things I say have raised concern with them. So I am going to explain my reasoning in this post.

I am going to put their concern and then my answer in italics.

1. Choosing to have surgery with a surgeon who advertises his services.
First off, I must say that Dr. Shelokov doesn't advertise. It is Baylor, advertising the Baylor Scoliosis Center as a whole. He doesn't have corny TV commercials saying "Hey, let me cut your back open, If I can't do it, no one else can!!" I didn't rip his ad out of the National Enquirer, I didn't find his name scribbled on the bathroom walls. I found an ad in the People magazine from a worldly recognized hospital, and their Scoliosis Center. Dr. Shelokov's name wasn't ANYWHERE on that ad.

2. Is the surgery being rushed or pushed upon me by the doctor or his staff?
I am the one who has pushed for the surgery. This is the original plan of action: I found the ad, tore it out, hung on to it, then finally decided to call them. I received their information DVD and watched it the next night. After watching it, I was wishing I could go in that very next day and have the surgery. The DVD described his procedures, his pre-op care, his post-op care, his education, all of that. It had patient testimonials. I was crying by the time it was over. I called them the very next day and said, "When can I come in??" So, my first appointment was in April. I met with Eric, who is Dr. Shelokov's right-hand man. A surgeon, as well. I did my x-rays, he told me my curvatures, and then I asked if they could help me. And he said, "Yes, we can fix your back" After that statement, I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I asked to see x-rays of other female patients, who had double major curves, who had had the surgery. He showed me and then I really couldn't concentrate. All I saw was a light at the end of this very long and painful tunnel. Then he said "I want you to come back in October for another follow up, and then you can meet with Dr. Shelokov, and from there you can decide if surgery is right for you" but by then, I had already decided to go through with it. I made the appointment for October and went home. Then a few weeks ago, I had that episode where my back cracked and I called and asked if my surgery date could be moved up. They said I could have the surgery on December 9th. I said, "No, I want to be able to have a nice Christmas with my kids." So that is how January 15th came in the picture. IF, when I go in October, if I get the brush off, or an overall bad visit, then YES I will take myself elsewhere. But I just don't think that will happen, as I have an peaceful feeling about having this done at Baylor.

2. You can't compare your surgery success to that of your friend, Megs, since you have different curvatures.
I know that Meg's surgery is not, and will not be, like mine. Her back had one curve. I have double curves. I can see that as clear as day. I already had it in my mind to do the surgery, and once I saw that Meg went through it with success, that only validated my decision. I didn't say, "Ok I am having this done because he did a great job with Meg." Although that is how I made it sound in my blog.

3. Do I realize how hard the recovery is going to be? This is not going to be like a c-section.
Yes, I read about the recovery process. I am preparing myself the best I can for the recovery. But how does one know the extent of a recovery until they are actually staring it in the face? Yes, we can read about it, talk to other people about it, talk to others who went through it, but until we are standing there looking it in the eye, we don't know about recovery. I only mentioned the c-section in passing, what I said was that I recovered from my c-section very fast, shocking my OB/GYN, BUT that I KNOW that a c-section is NOTHING compared to what I am about to go through. I didn't say, "Oh yes, I can recover from a c-section with no problems, this will be the same!"

4. Why haven't I seeked a second opinion?
Ok, so maybe I am foolish in this area. You get the chance to have any kind of surgery, you should seek a second opinion. Well I didn't, only because I don't think I need to. Call me foolish all you want, but at this point, with the care I have received thus far, I don't need a second opinion. Who cares about all the years I seeked treatment at a Children's Orthopedic Surgeon, from the ages of 12 to 18? Who told me that I couldn't get worse. That told me surgery wasn't an option, because I wouldn't progress. I find someone who tells me that they can straighten my back, shows me proof of that, talked to other patients of his BESIDES Meg, and I base my opinion on that. Unless something happens, then no, I will not seek a second opinion. I don't have the time to travel all over Texas talking to different spine doctors, who will more than likely tell me the same thing, "That I need surgery". I don't have the childcare to have someone watch my kids while I go visit all these doctors. So these other great spine doctors that also tell me I need surgery, who's to say that someone won't email me and say, "Oh, I wouldn't use him because....." I understand, I KNOW that NO doctor is going to have a 100% success rate, but Dr. Shelokov has helped MANY people and if he is such a bad doctor then why can't I find any dirt on him. Why can't I find any disciplinary actions against him, lawsuits, things of that nature. Yes, I've read a few people say that they wouldn't recommend him. But if I used another doctor, another group of people might say the same about my new decision!

5. Do I have help after surgery?
I made the mistake of saying that I have a husband who isn't there for me to the extent that I need him to be. That as far as recovery, he isn't going to help me. Is that sad? Yes. Do I wish I could change that? Yes. But what is keeping me going in this direction is that I have FAMILY to back me up on this. I have a place to stay, who will make sure my children are taken care of, and will make sure that I am taken care of. I have many, MANY family members and a handful of friends offering their help and concern. IF I didn't have anyone, no family, then I would put off having this surgery until my kids were older, and I could hire a live-in nurse or something like that. I am not so naive that I would take on this huge of a surgery, and not have anything to come home to as far as recovery.

My friend told me to take all this information as it was, concern, not criticism. But I feel as if my blog is being picked apart. Everything I say is being questioned. Yes, I understand that I am probably not making the smartest decisions, as far as not seeking 100 different opinions. Yes, I understand that there are people out there who think that a doctor shouldn't advertise his services [although its Baylor, not the doctor himself] but even if I went with another doctor, SOMEONE is likely to email me and say that I shouldn't go with that doctor. I feel as if people are really thinking I am so naive, and in some areas maybe I am. But I feel good about my decision as of now, and unless something changes, isn't that all that matters, that *I* feel good with the decision that I made? It is no one Else's back but my own. I AM doing research, I AM reading all I can, I AM thinking of all the questions that have been brought to my attention, I AM going to ask these questions. I AM NOT just sitting here, thinking, that this is going to be a piece of cake, I AM NOT sitting here doing nothing. I HAVE tried physical therapy, massages, pain management, everything. I AM going through with this, with Doctor Shelokov, UNLESS something happens and I must make another serious decision. THAT is where all this research and reading comes into play. The FINAL answer will come to me on October 17th.

I really am not trying to sound like a bitch in all of this. And I understand people are just concerned. But I feel that what I am doing is the right decision. And I KNOW that if I chose another doctor, someone else would email me with their opinions on that doctor as well. This decision is the HARDEST one I have ever, and probably WILL EVER have to make. And its not something I am taking lightly.